working on me

working on me.png

I have legit gone to the dark place. You know the one. Where your heart is broken, you’ve lost most of your sense of worth, and you have no idea what your purpose is anymore. Or maybe you never did?

I’m have what Sia calls an elastic heart. The end of last year I fell wickedly hard in love and FAST. It was a whirlwind relationship that caught me by surprise and I was ready for it. I finally felt like I could be myself, farts and all, and I felt whole. I felt like I was enough. Until I wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t make him happy and he felt like I wasn’t trying, so it all just kind of fell apart and just like that, it was over. A bunch of little things added up to big things. Cruel words were said that can’t be taken back. We both disappointed each other and now I’m just left with the pieces of my elastic heart that don’t seem quite so elastic anymore.

Fast forward to this past Monday morning where I couldn’t get him out of my head. All I wanted was to hear from him. To hear something. I was a head case all morning at the gym and during my workout I lost focus as he popped into my head. The WOD included box jumps, which are already a fear of mine having skinned my shin on them twice before, and in the last 5 seconds of the workout I let my mind wander to him. BAM. I missed the box and came down on my shin. If you follow me on Instagram then you already know what happened and I apologize for the gore in my story. For those of you who don’t, I busted my shin open down to the bone and had to go to the ER for stitches.

Thank you universe. I hear you. But you didn’t have to throw a big fat FUCK YOU my way for thinking about him.

So yeah. That happened. Now I have some really ugly stitches and a huge hole in my leg and heart. I’m not good at this. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Feeling like I’m enough. It’s quite silly really because if you look at my life from the outside I’m quite lucky. I have parents who love and support me, I have pretty cool friends all over the US and parts of Canada. My job is rad. I’m super active. But inside, there is this emptiness inside of me that consumes me often. I go to therapy and I’ve somewhat tried prescription meds but there it is. My love for this guy was very real and having him not in my life anymore shoved in my face that I base WAY too much of my self-worth in having others in my life.  More specifically men and my desire to have a partner in this crazy world.

So now I’m on this journey of self-love and discovery. It’s pretty dark, ugly, and ridiculously lonely. I mean, I don’t even want to hear myself talk about depression or anxiety so I’m sure it’s hard for friends and family to listen. That’s why social media is a highlight reel, ya feel me? But you know what, it’s important to talk about these things and know that you aren’t alone. And yes there are worse things happening to people but it’s all relative and this is my reality right now and it hurts.

So here’s to heartbreak and loneliness and learning to love yourself. After 35 years of disappointment in myself and others, countless life lesson talks from my parents and friends, I’m diving into a relationship with myself and batting these demons. I’m worth it, I’m awesome, and it’s about time I started acting like it.

I’m depressed and terrified and I’m going to fail millions of times, but I’m brave enough to keep trying.

caramel sauce and life advice

Yesterday, I made a visit to Albertson’s to find some MUCH NEEDED Walden Farms sauces.  I found myself sitting in the car after packing up my groceries to head home.  The kindest man had packed up my groceries inside.  He was special needs, and had the biggest smile.  “Have a nice day”, he beamed.  Such a simple phrase, but I knew he genuinely meant it.  As I sat there, I noticed he had come outside and was gathering carts in the parking lot.  He was so happy.  So eager.  So kind.  He said hello to everyone who passed by. It’s so easy to forget to be happy, or to be kind.  Watching him made my day so much brighter.

When I got home, I scrolled through my Instagram account.  I mean, let’s be serious…we all do this daily.  Photos can certainly tell a story.  I have lived a lot of life.  So many captured moments.  Great friends.  Amazing family.  Love & Heartbreak.  Birthdays.  Achievements.  Failure.

I have made memories, made mistakes and here I am.

This moment.

This is the only place I can be.



Let’s not be jaded by the damage we have done.  Let’s not hold on to the hurt others have caused us or the pain we have caused others.  Let’s move forward.  Pick ourselves up and be better.

And also, go get yourself some Walden Farms.  Their caramel syrup is DELICIOUS!

You will be a better person for it.

(I’m not sponsored for this but SERIOUSLY, I became a better person after consuming their caramel.)

i have a problem

I have an addiction.  I mean, a serious SERIOUS problem.

I’m obsessed with The Mindy Project.

Have you seen it?  I mean, it’s hilarious.  I’ve only been watching this show for a week and I’m already into Season 3.  It tackles love, relationship, getting older, falling in love with yourself and it does all of this wrapped up in a big slice of laughs.  Mind you, it takes a lot to get me to laugh at a T.V. show…and this one takes the cake.  My stomach aches constantly from laughter.

If you haven’t been introduced to Mindy yet…you’re welcome.


Dear Mindy,

Thank you for constantly bringing joy to my life.  I appreciate your loyalty to your friends, your passion for people and your endless supply of sarcasm and wit.  You are hilarious and kind and basically one of my favorite people.  Your honesty gets me through my evenings and make me feel like I’m not quite alone.  My life has become better with you in it.

Friends Forever,



warts and all

Last night, some friends invited me to join them at the Infinite Monkey Theorem and I was stoked!  I work for a company that serves their sparkling wine on tap, and now that I am a resident of Denver, it’s been on my bucket list of places to visit.  This place is ridiculously cool.  As you make your way through the venue, you’ll find yourself surrounded by smiling faces drinking all sorts of “adult grape juice”.  I only tried their Sauvingnon Blanc, which I did enjoy, and a decorative bonus is that the bottle design is rad.

(This is not the bottle design I mentioned, I just think their branding is delicious.)

So, this particular Friday, they had a jazz band and swing dancers offering up lessons.  Apparently, they also offer yoga classes for $20 (glass of wine included…score!!), and all sorts of other delightful events.  My friends and I march to the beat of our own drums, and although we enjoyed either watching or participating in the dancing, we eventually made our way back to the front room.  I just so happened to walk in on a game of Truth or Dare.  Oops.

These peeps of mine can be crazy.  Actually, we ARE crazy, but in the best kind of way.  I love them. So, when it came to be my turn, I chose truth.  “SO BORING”, you might be saying…but c’mon.  Let me have a warm up round!  At this point we were daring each other to do the grocery cart dance move through then entire venue solo, or to sit alone and yell, “PENIS!!”, as loud as possible across the room.  I wanted a warm up.  My question caught me by surprise.  “Do you like living in Denver?”, she asked.  Gosh.  I really didn’t know what to say.   I hadn’t really thought about it.  I mean, I’ve only been in Denver for three months.  “Not yet.”, I replied.

Don’t get me wrong.  Denver is amazing, and I’m sure the rest of Colorado is too, and I know that I will love it in good time.  I’ve never seen a state show so much pride.  The only exception might be Washington, where I’m originally from.  The Seahawks winning the Superbowl in 2014 was life changing for us.


But, I digress.  Back to Denver.

Let me explain.  I have already uprooted myself once before.  Back in 2008, I moved to San Diego, CA.  Prior to that move, I had never lived more than two hours away from home.  It was a big deal, moving to California, and incredibly hard to feel settled.  I’ll never forget my college sweetheart telling me to “do something”.  Well, I certainly did!  The transition from Washington to California was brutal.  It took me three years to feel like I had built a home there, and three years after that, to feel like I was actually home.  I wasn’t always the best version of myself there, I always knew I would leave at some point, and I made a lot of mistakes…but just when I had begun to fall in love with not only myself, but my life in So-Cal…BOOM!  Life happened.

I had/have been work for an amazing Colorado based company, and my job offered to bring me here…to Denver, Colorado.  P-R-O-M-O-T-I-O-N!!  Woo!!  THIS move has been much easier, and I’m lucky to now be working with many of the people I have built relationships with over my last three years with this company.  But, relocation still isn’t easy (no matter how many people you already know). and everyday I have to remember that it takes effort to maintain these friendships.  I didn’t think I would miss San Diego as much as I do and I also didn’t think I would be this lonely, especially when I’m surrounded with an amazing group of people that I have already known for years.

But this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  And all of the moments in my life have lead me here.  I’m forever grateful for all the people here who, I’m sure, will make me FALL IN LOVE with Denver and Colorado in no time.  And I will certainly never forget all the people and memories that have brought me to this point.

Anyway, this post got a little too “Lifetime Movie Network” for me, because sob story this is not.  But life is about the journey and right now, I might be lonely sometimes, but I’m kicking some serious bootie!! I’m super thankful for my friends, near and far, new and old, and my amazing family.  Even an old flame has recently helped me see that all I have to do is open myself up to all the amazing things this life of mine has to offer.  I finally see what it means to be the person I want to be, and now I just need to let myself be loved and seen for the person I am.

Warts and all.