working on me

working on me.png

I have legit gone to the dark place. You know the one. Where your heart is broken, you’ve lost most of your sense of worth, and you have no idea what your purpose is anymore. Or maybe you never did?

I’m have what Sia calls an elastic heart. The end of last year I fell wickedly hard in love and FAST. It was a whirlwind relationship that caught me by surprise and I was ready for it. I finally felt like I could be myself, farts and all, and I felt whole. I felt like I was enough. Until I wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t make him happy and he felt like I wasn’t trying, so it all just kind of fell apart and just like that, it was over. A bunch of little things added up to big things. Cruel words were said that can’t be taken back. We both disappointed each other and now I’m just left with the pieces of my elastic heart that don’t seem quite so elastic anymore.

Fast forward to this past Monday morning where I couldn’t get him out of my head. All I wanted was to hear from him. To hear something. I was a head case all morning at the gym and during my workout I lost focus as he popped into my head. The WOD included box jumps, which are already a fear of mine having skinned my shin on them twice before, and in the last 5 seconds of the workout I let my mind wander to him. BAM. I missed the box and came down on my shin. If you follow me on Instagram then you already know what happened and I apologize for the gore in my story. For those of you who don’t, I busted my shin open down to the bone and had to go to the ER for stitches.

Thank you universe. I hear you. But you didn’t have to throw a big fat FUCK YOU my way for thinking about him.

So yeah. That happened. Now I have some really ugly stitches and a huge hole in my leg and heart. I’m not good at this. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Feeling like I’m enough. It’s quite silly really because if you look at my life from the outside I’m quite lucky. I have parents who love and support me, I have pretty cool friends all over the US and parts of Canada. My job is rad. I’m super active. But inside, there is this emptiness inside of me that consumes me often. I go to therapy and I’ve somewhat tried prescription meds but there it is. My love for this guy was very real and having him not in my life anymore shoved in my face that I base WAY too much of my self-worth in having others in my life.  More specifically men and my desire to have a partner in this crazy world.

So now I’m on this journey of self-love and discovery. It’s pretty dark, ugly, and ridiculously lonely. I mean, I don’t even want to hear myself talk about depression or anxiety so I’m sure it’s hard for friends and family to listen. That’s why social media is a highlight reel, ya feel me? But you know what, it’s important to talk about these things and know that you aren’t alone. And yes there are worse things happening to people but it’s all relative and this is my reality right now and it hurts.

So here’s to heartbreak and loneliness and learning to love yourself. After 35 years of disappointment in myself and others, countless life lesson talks from my parents and friends, I’m diving into a relationship with myself and batting these demons. I’m worth it, I’m awesome, and it’s about time I started acting like it.

I’m depressed and terrified and I’m going to fail millions of times, but I’m brave enough to keep trying.

caramel sauce and life advice

Yesterday, I made a visit to Albertson’s to find some MUCH NEEDED Walden Farms sauces.  I found myself sitting in the car after packing up my groceries to head home.  The kindest man had packed up my groceries inside.  He was special needs, and had the biggest smile.  “Have a nice day”, he beamed.  Such a simple phrase, but I knew he genuinely meant it.  As I sat there, I noticed he had come outside and was gathering carts in the parking lot.  He was so happy.  So eager.  So kind.  He said hello to everyone who passed by. It’s so easy to forget to be happy, or to be kind.  Watching him made my day so much brighter.

When I got home, I scrolled through my Instagram account.  I mean, let’s be serious…we all do this daily.  Photos can certainly tell a story.  I have lived a lot of life.  So many captured moments.  Great friends.  Amazing family.  Love & Heartbreak.  Birthdays.  Achievements.  Failure.

I have made memories, made mistakes and here I am.

This moment.

This is the only place I can be.

PRESENT.

THANKFUL.

Let’s not be jaded by the damage we have done.  Let’s not hold on to the hurt others have caused us or the pain we have caused others.  Let’s move forward.  Pick ourselves up and be better.

And also, go get yourself some Walden Farms.  Their caramel syrup is DELICIOUS!

You will be a better person for it.

(I’m not sponsored for this but SERIOUSLY, I became a better person after consuming their caramel.)

molten chocolate cake and OTHER life events

As I was driving home from the gym tonight, I couldn’t get this image out of my mind.  It’s from last year, at an event my work did at Suzie’s Farm in San Diego.  I felt amazing that day.  I wish everyone could feel amazing on most days.  But the good comes with the bad.  That’s just the way things go.

I had a chance to go home to Seattle last weekend.  It was way too short of a trip, and as usual, I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to see.  I don’t even think I told a lot of people I was coming home.  But…I did get to see my Mom, and it being her birthday weekend and all, she was pretty much the ONLY person I really cared about spending time with.  We had a bit of a scare though, and she ended up in the hospital.

It really puts life into perspective when you think you might lose someone you love so much.  Thankfully, she’s okay and is recovering just fine.  She’s a fighter like that.  And of course her only concern, the entire time and even now, was how her health was affecting me.  She’s so cute.  Always taking care of others and putting their needs above her own. I love her.

She’s definitely a big supporter in my fitness journey.  We have certainly had our struggles, but she is my mother and I don’t ever want to take that for granted.  I’m lucky and I am appreciating her more and more every day.  I would call her my #numberonefan, but my Bestie has already claimed that title.  Let’s call her my #numbermomfan…I think that covers it. Funny story actually…I learned that my mom trained for a show back when I was younger, but 1.  I don’t really remember it and 2.  I probably don’t remember it because she never ended up competing because she broke her tailbone.  How does that even happen??  I’ll have to ask her.   I don’t know why I haven’t already.

I’ve been a bit of a stress case the last week because of my trip.  I missed some workouts, wasn’t following my macros like I should have, and I was traveling which always leads to…water bloat.  Honestly I know it doesn’t really matter because I had the best time, and my mother’s health is way more important and she and I shared the most AMAZING Molten Chocolate Cake from Ponti Seafood and Grill while in Fremont.

I mean… It.  Was.  Life.  Changing.

@pontigrill

Anway…I’m back to Denver and back on track.  And my mom is happy and healthy.

Today was a solo posing class.  A needed a makeup day since I missed the group class on Sunday due to travel.  I have to say, I am part of an amazing training crew.  My trainer, Kasey, is a sarcastic hard ass and will call me out in a heartbeat.  I love her.  My posing and nutrition coach, Alysha, is a wealth of knowledge and I think she would give me her left arm if it would help me reach my goals.

Team Fit Chick is basically, 100%, real life, incredible.

When you find people who believe in you, celebrate who you are, support you and push you forward…NEVER LET THEM GO!  It’s such a blessing to be surrounded with such motivating people.  Plus, they make me see that I’m not crazy for always believing that I was meant for something greater.  For believing that my hopes and dreams aren’t unrealistic or insane.

But you gotta work hard!!  You have to show up!  That’s half the battle!

Love others, love yourself, be kind.

Let’s do this.