love

working on me

~ taytertalks ~ Leave a comment

working on me.png

I have legit gone to the dark place. You know the one. Where your heart is broken, you’ve lost most of your sense of worth, and you have no idea what your purpose is anymore. Or maybe you never did?

I’m have what Sia calls an elastic heart. The end of last year I fell wickedly hard in love and FAST. It was a whirlwind relationship that caught me by surprise and I was ready for it. I finally felt like I could be myself, farts and all, and I felt whole. I felt like I was enough. Until I wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t make him happy and he felt like I wasn’t trying, so it all just kind of fell apart and just like that, it was over. A bunch of little things added up to big things. Cruel words were said that can’t be taken back. We both disappointed each other and now I’m just left with the pieces of my elastic heart that don’t seem quite so elastic anymore.

Fast forward to this past Monday morning where I couldn’t get him out of my head. All I wanted was to hear from him. To hear something. I was a head case all morning at the gym and during my workout I lost focus as he popped into my head. The WOD included box jumps, which are already a fear of mine having skinned my shin on them twice before, and in the last 5 seconds of the workout I let my mind wander to him. BAM. I missed the box and came down on my shin. If you follow me on Instagram then you already know what happened and I apologize for the gore in my story. For those of you who don’t, I busted my shin open down to the bone and had to go to the ER for stitches.

Thank you universe. I hear you. But you didn’t have to throw a big fat FUCK YOU my way for thinking about him.

So yeah. That happened. Now I have some really ugly stitches and a huge hole in my leg and heart. I’m not good at this. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Feeling like I’m enough. It’s quite silly really because if you look at my life from the outside I’m quite lucky. I have parents who love and support me, I have pretty cool friends all over the US and parts of Canada. My job is rad. I’m super active. But inside, there is this emptiness inside of me that consumes me often. I go to therapy and I’ve somewhat tried prescription meds but there it is. My love for this guy was very real and having him not in my life anymore shoved in my face that I base WAY too much of my self-worth in having others in my life.  More specifically men and my desire to have a partner in this crazy world.

So now I’m on this journey of self-love and discovery. It’s pretty dark, ugly, and ridiculously lonely. I mean, I don’t even want to hear myself talk about depression or anxiety so I’m sure it’s hard for friends and family to listen. That’s why social media is a highlight reel, ya feel me? But you know what, it’s important to talk about these things and know that you aren’t alone. And yes there are worse things happening to people but it’s all relative and this is my reality right now and it hurts.

So here’s to heartbreak and loneliness and learning to love yourself. After 35 years of disappointment in myself and others, countless life lesson talks from my parents and friends, I’m diving into a relationship with myself and batting these demons. I’m worth it, I’m awesome, and it’s about time I started acting like it.

I’m depressed and terrified and I’m going to fail millions of times, but I’m brave enough to keep trying.

extra crispy

~ taytertalks ~ Leave a comment

extra crispy

I am a victim, but only because I choose to be.

I wait for you because I crave your touch. Your voice. Your lips. Your call. Your love.

I wonder if she knows about the parts of your heart that forever belong to me.

I sit in wonder and wait for a love that will never be mine.

I wait for your selfish heart to take me out of the wings and let me take center stage in your heart once again.

I wait for the moments to return when we laughed and held closely to the idea of an us.

I am a victim. Your victim. Be gentle with my heart while I wait.

So it begins…again

~ taytertalks ~ Leave a comment

Back in 2012 (if my memory hasn’t failed me), my boyfriend at the time set up a blog for me.  He knew that I wanted a platform to share my journey of self discovery with the world.  I thought it was so cute that he had “heard” me through all of our talks about my life goals, but I never touched the thing.  Not once.

I grew up dreaming about being famous, being heard.

baby tay walking on a ledge

It was as if that was the only thing that would bring significance to my life.  FAME.  It sounds so dirty when you think of it that way.  Significance.  I was certain, at the wise age of 10 years old, that if I just met Devin Sawa or Jonathan Taylor Thomas that they would fall in love with me and I would be set for life.  Looking back, I’m now less surprised as this point that I switched majors in college and studied Theatre Arts.  Always chasing significance and attention.

*Only child alert*

On the Verge

My point of all this is that this blog is not for seeking or attention or significance.  Maybe that’s why it’s taken me all these years to get started (and I’m still figuring out what that’s going to look like). It’s for sharing stories of triumph and failure.  It’s about growth, challenges and discovery.  It’s about goals, love, life, food and family.  It’s about friendship and being there for one another.

I am significant.  We all are.  This is about recognizing all the moments.

#TALYYOURMOMENTS

This is your time.

 

 

Breakup Survival Mode

~ taytertalks ~ Leave a comment

How to Survive a Broken Heart

Ten not-so easy steps to help you through the rough spots.

Facebook Official Relationship Failure 101

1.Go through the motions

No, seriously.  You probably smell.  My mom always used to tell me to take a shower when I was sick, but it always seemed like way too much effort.  Well, 32 years of listening to her and now it’s my turn to give the same advice.  YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.  Get up in the morning.  Take a shower.  Brush that mane.  Heck, brush your teeth since you’re on a roll!  Tell yourself that you deserve to take care of yourself.  I’m serious.  Say it out loud to yourself in the mirror.  Every morning will get a little easier and you won’t have to force it.  If you don’t have a routine, now is a good time to create one.    

2.Limit Social Media

Breakups just aren’t what they used to be.  With Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, etc…you can’t escape the constant temptations to check up on your ex.  I mean, we all do it.  Did he change his relationship status yet?  Am I still in his profile photo?  Did he untag all of our photos?  Who cares.  He decided to leave you.  You deserve to be with someone who would be with you NO MATTER WHAT.  And as much as you think it will help, defriending them isn’t always the cure.  Unfortunately for this post…I’m still figuring out what is.  

3.Join a gym

Taking care of your body is important.  If you don’t want to or can’t join a gym, get active and get the endorphin juice pumping!  

Summer is approaching and let’s be serious…you want a hot body for many reasons.  But right now, #1 being that you want to look like a SUPER FOX in case you run into your ex.  But remember, he shouldn’t solely miss you because of your hot body, just sayin…

4.Phone a friend

You know you’re obsessively checking the phone every time you get an alert.  You know that you’re hoping that it’s him every single time.  You know you want to call him.  You know you want to text him.  

Wellllllllll…you actually want him to do those things…#details.  

Do yourself a favor and designate a couple people to be your INSTEAD PERSON; because sometimes, all you’ll need to say is, “I’m calling you instead of (insert name of person who doesn’t realize what they are missing here).”  If they are a good friend, they will say and do all the right things.  Even if that’s telling you that it’s time to get over it and move on.

5.CRY

Feeling those terrible, ugly feelings is necessary.  It’s not what you want to hear and you will always look for a distraction, but it’s all part of the process.  Go all sorts of Kim Kardashian…cry like no one is watching.

6.LAUGH

Listen to a comedy station on Pandora.  Go see an improv comedy show.  Call your funniest friend.  Life will go on and the world will keep on spinning.  There are so many amazing and beautiful moments in this world to celebrate.  Just because you’re heartbroken, doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve a good belly laugh.  Don’t they say that laughter is the best medicine?  

Well, I happen to think it’s true.

7.Do better

With every relationship, hopefully you have learned something.  Whether it’s what you want in a partner,  how to love and be loved or something you will never settle for again…LEARN FROM THE RELATIONSHIP.  Do better.  Be better.  You should never settle for anything less than you want and deserve.  And that bar should be pretty darn high.  Remember?  You’re worth the effort.

8.Some days are better than others

Time to buy stock in yoga pants.  Sometimes putting pants on is way too much effort.  You’re going to rock your glasses, a high bun, yoga pants and his old t-shirt.  That’s okay.  It’s okay to fall apart.  

Just remember to always go back to step one.

9.Read

“It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken“.

You can thank me later.

10.Let go

The only person you have control over is yourself.  So although letting go seems impossible, it’s necessary.  It doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore…it just means you love yourself more.  The best revenge is allowing yourself to live your life EXACTLY the way you want it to be.

i have a problem

~ taytertalks ~ Leave a comment

I have an addiction.  I mean, a serious SERIOUS problem.

I’m obsessed with The Mindy Project.

Have you seen it?  I mean, it’s hilarious.  I’ve only been watching this show for a week and I’m already into Season 3.  It tackles love, relationship, getting older, falling in love with yourself and it does all of this wrapped up in a big slice of laughs.  Mind you, it takes a lot to get me to laugh at a T.V. show…and this one takes the cake.  My stomach aches constantly from laughter.

If you haven’t been introduced to Mindy yet…you’re welcome.

——————————————————————-

Dear Mindy,

Thank you for constantly bringing joy to my life.  I appreciate your loyalty to your friends, your passion for people and your endless supply of sarcasm and wit.  You are hilarious and kind and basically one of my favorite people.  Your honesty gets me through my evenings and make me feel like I’m not quite alone.  My life has become better with you in it.

Friends Forever,

Taylor

——————————————————————-

XXX

~ taytertalks ~ Leave a comment

Do you watch the Bachelor?  I am patiently waiting for the finale, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I am excited to see what happens.  Let me state that I did not get into this show from the beginning.  I hosted one of my best friends a few weeks ago, and she got me hooked.  These women are crazy and I love it.  I mean, we all kind of are in our own special way, so it’s nice and reassuring to see that not everyone out there is perfect.  I know I’m far from it.  In fits of hormonal rage, especially when I’m hungry and training for a show, I’ve been known to throw cinnamon rolls on the floor.  I’ve screamed at my boyfriends for no reason, and I’m well aware that there is a certain time of the month that everyone gets on my nerves, and EVERY commercial deserves tears.  I’ve been unfaithful in relationships.  I’ve lied to my parents.  I’ve hidden many mistakes from my past.  I also drop food on the floor and still eat it.

I’m not perfect.  I’m FAR from perfect.

I used to think that I wanted to be one of those girls who remains friends with her exes.  I thought it was realistic to want that.  I mean, we care about each other, why couldn’t we be friends!?  Simple.  Because it’s impossible.  It always hurts someone.  Feelings always get in the way, and as much as you try to deny it…you secretly want that other person to want you forever.  I know, I know…there are always exceptions.  But I’ve never experienced one.  I also know I’m not an expert on breakups, I’ve just been through some big ones.  They suck, they hurt and they are never EVER fun.

I’ve been on a journey of “finding myself” for the last, well…forever.  Just after High School, I was hospitalized after a breakup led me to take every pill in my mom’s medicine cabinet.  Not my proudest moment, but it was a moment.  I will never forget that.  Heartbreak is the worst pain you will EVER experience.  Luckily, I had the support of my parents and some great friends who helped me move past it.  I also sought out a therapist, and although I only saw her for a short time, it was helpful.  If you ever need someone to talk to, please talk to someone.  You’re too important.

My first boyfriend in college was totally different than anyone I had met before.  It was kind of exciting, and it was new.  We partied A LOT (I mean, I could drink now since I was 21), and life was a, well…party.  Our breakup was a little crazy and he went a little crazy.  Threatened me and my roommate, stalked me at work, called me all kinds of terrible things…yeah. So….that happened.

Finally, I met an amazing guy in college who I seriously thought I was going to marry.  Great group of friends, great head on his shoulders.  We had so much fun together.  He adored me.  I adored him.  But life just sort of happened with us.  Over three years, we broke up and got back together a few times, but we always seemed to find our way back to each other.  Even after I moved to San Diego, we found ourselves in each other’s arms again.  I loved him.  Probably my first real love.  We were there for each other after significant deaths in our families and would skype frequently, but one day it all stopped.  Still not sure why.  I was devastated.  But eventually I moved on and he got married to someone else.  Insert more heartbreak, and more finding myself moments.

In San Diego I managed to have a few significant relationships.  I fell for a guy who broke up with me three times in six months, and then I dated one of his friends quite seriously.  That relationship really helped me see that I had some ISSUES when it came to love.  I did not love myself, I did not love others and I certainly didn’t know how to let others love ME!  It wasn’t until I found out that  I was going to be proposed to when I threw that relationship away.  I wasn’t ready.  It was crazy because it was exactly like I was on an episode of the Bachelor.  It was what I had always dreamed of.  We had our problems towards the end, and he wasn’t perfect, but there was a time when I thought, “this amazing guy wants ME!  To spend a life with ME!”  But I pushed him away and thankfully he encouraged me to start seeing a therapist.  I was convinced that I wouldn’t date anyone for at least a year after that.  But of course, in true Taylor fashion, I quickly began to date again.  I had no idea that this next relationship would shape me into the woman I always dreamed I could be.

But for a price, and it cost us both much more than a rose.

On again, off again.  Nearly three years of amazing moments.  Nearly three years of terrible moments.  The best and worst versions of myself.  We broke up a few times.  I begged for him to take me back.  I hooked up with other guys when we were apart and lied about it when we got back together.  I was selfish, I only cared about myself and I lost the respect of his friends and family.  I was the worst girlfriend.  I know I wasn’t happy and I should have let him go, but I couldn’t.  I think that when you hold on to something that doesn’t exist anymore, you suffocate any chance there may have been.  I wanted to love him the way he loved me.  I wanted to actually let him love me.  But to me, as great of a guy as he was, there was always something missing.

 And I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to tell him what it was.

As I continue to write, I realize that for me, heartbreak is the deal breaker.  I’ve been on both sides, and neither one is awesome.  Friendship is impossible at that point.  But all we can do is learn from our mistakes, decide not to make them anymore, and do better.  I’m certainly trying this time around.

This real life stuff is hard.