I remember exactly where I was when the college love of my (then) life and I broke up. I was sitting on the couch at my mom’s then boyfriend Brian’s house. I was so in love with him and had no reason to end it other than the fact that I was stuck. I was at a full stop in my life and he was moving full speed ahead. Honestly, I only know that last bit now. His full speed ahead attitude was magnifying my lack of any type of motivation. Until now it was probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and he changed my life. It was one thing he said.
Just do something.
Wow. It really hurt at the time, but do something I did. I moved to California. I’m a big time talker. A dreamer. But I’ve never really been a do-er. I have lived in a constant state of fear and doubt and even more fear. I don’t even know where to start because I’m too scared to fail or look stupid that I don’t even try. So last spring I had made the choice to do something again and I’ve kept doing somethings ever since. I refocused on my therapy, saw a doctor about my depression, swore off dating and I made a list of things I wanted to do.
- Go on a camping trip alone.
- Hike alone.
- Go skiing alone.
- Go see a show alone.
- Go to a yoga class alone.
Do you see a trend here? I was so lost in my life that I had no idea what I actually liked to do which then led me to ask myself, who am I?! I wanted, and still do, to try everything. I haven’t done all of the things above but I did end up starting somewhere and booked myself a 6AM hike at Hanging Lake on August 8th, 2019. I’d wanted to hike it since I moved to Colorado in 2014 but never did because nobody I knew had ever planned a trip. Oooooookay. Did you hear me?! Plan your own damn trip, Taylor! So I did. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that it was nearly a 2.5 hour drive to get there until a few days before my solo adventure. Getting up at 2:45AM was not fun, and the drive there was a bit sketchy in the dark but it certainly kept me alert. Every single bit of the hike was worth it. I was also one of the first people at the lake and was able to enjoy all of its majesty in solitude.
Two weeks ago, after I lost my job due to COVID19, I decided that I’m going to start my own business. I’ve been overwhelmed and unsure where to start so my boyfriend held me while I cried and shared all my fears and simply whispered, “Just start.” Yes I’m absolutely terrified and I’m scared to fail or look stupid but I’ve come to far and accomplished too much in my life to not even try. We all need a little something to believe in right now and I’m choosing to believe in me. I’m taking all my big time talking and dreams and starting to do something.
Here goes nothing. Or… maybe something huge.