As Long I Love Me

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It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything down. I mean aside from to-do lists or taking notes in a meeting. I’m not sure what has driven me to draft something today. So much of my life changed in the past few years. Perhaps it’s the move back to Denver? Being pulled back to a city that I never thought I would return to. It was like a dream coming back to the Mile High City. Vegas has brought me to a level of darkness within myself that I didn’t know would be the catalyst for an avalanche of change within myself. I found myself on the floor countless times riddled with anxiety while tears poured down my face. I spent many days in bed and many days without a shower. Thankfully one day I decided to pull myself out of that nightmare and actually made some new friends. I am forever grateful for that time, those people and everything I learned.

I truly thought my time back in Denver would be much different than it is today. I was moving back to one of my best friends, back to the gym I loved, and back to snowy winter days cuddled up with my ridiculous collection of scarves. I ended up quitting my job that brought me back here, starting a new gig that I recently left behind, and walked away from my favorite form of fitness. It was kind of a rough go. In the midst of all this change, I also found myself back to that dark place. The silver lining at the time the mindset returned is that it wasn’t as dark as it had been before. I’ve always been incredibly self aware too so when I started not being able to get out of bed again and constantly on the verge of tears I knew it was time to face the fear that I was likely suffering from depression.

I’ve been anti-medication for myself as long as I can recall. It’s nothing against modern medicine, I just always thought there was a natural solution for everything. When it came to depression and anxiety I always spiraled worse when I would tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I mean, I was in fact, being ridiculous. At least from the outside. I’ve got so much to be thankful for. I have great friends, a career, an amazing family. I ate right and exercised. My instagram is riddled with photos of me having the time of my life and inspirational quotes that preach the importance of self love but inside I had no idea who I was and I was not okay.

When I finally decided to see my doctor vs. just going to therapy (which I have for years) it was like a weight had been lifted but the world was still cloudy.¬†After a few months of getting my dosage right it was like my life wasn’t blurry anymore because before that, even on my best day, everything just felt a bit foggy.¬† Then it happened. Slowly, I began to see her. Me. I was slowly able to face myself and all her beautiful imperfections and know that I was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.

I recently had a session with my therapist where she asked me to imagine myself as a child. To truly hold onto that moment. Once I was able to conjure up that vision of the bright eyed little girl who moved from school to school I reached out and held her. I told her hat she was enough. That she was going to be okay. That she was tough and a survivor and is safe. I spent my whole life trying to fit in. Hoping that the next school or the next house would be home. I learned to push aside what I wanted and be whatever I needed to be just to get through. To be liked and to find connection. To feel safe while the world around me was always changing.

Anyway, I still don’t know what the point of this ramble is but I do know that the move back to Denver brought me to a time in my life that I am truly chasing the things that bring me joy. The things that make me feel safe. I haven’t been dating for awhile to find focus. I bought a house that I can now call home. I spend time with quality people who make my life better. This last bit is a work in progress but I’m finally being unapologetically me and letting people see me. It’s kind of wonderful. I’m not hiding or pretending. I’m allowing myself to be seen and not just trying to get people to like me.

I’m living every day for myself and I’m a fucking warrior. She is beautiful. She is silly. She is strong. She is independent. She is resilient. I never thought I could accomplish the things I have or do what I have done alone but I’m not alone. That bright eyed little girl who moved from school to school and just wanted to fit in is right there with me. We’re doing this damn thing called life together. And I’m so thankful for her.