My Top 10

If you know me, you know these are the Top 10 things about me already. If you don’t, you’re welcome.

  1. I am sensitive. Basically, I cry ALL the time. I cry if something makes me really happy, I cry when I’m really sad, I cry when I’m angry… “If I’m not between a 3-7 on the emotional scale I’m crying.” Kirsten Bell is my emotional spirit animal.
  2. I hate gum. To me, there is nothing more disgusting. Like, I get why it exists but just…NO. I hate the smell of it, I hate the sound of people chewing it, if we are dating I won’t kiss you if you are (or I know you were) chewing it. I once had a boyfriend who thought it would be funny to spit his gum in my mouth when he went in to kiss me. We are no longer together. Do the math.
  3. I love my friends. Being an only child means that your friends become your family. I’m blessed with some really fucking awesome friends. For some reason, they think I’m awesome too. I will drop anything to be there if they need me and I love being part of their lives. I’m a pseudo auntie to many and I love those little offsprings just as fiercely
  4. My favorite physical quality is my hair. It took me 25 years to appreciate my thick, course hair. I can curl it and it will last for days or a week if I’m living on the edge and plaster it with dry shampoo. It might take an hour to blow dry and I shed hair like a mother fucker, but I get so many compliments on it and I’ve had hairdressers describe it as “their dream hair”. I have learned to be thankful for this mane of mine.
  5. I went to 9 schools in 12 years. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I lived with my mom. We moved around a lot. I went to 5 elementary schools, two junior high schools, and 2 high schools. All within the same county.
  6. I’m incredibly gassy. My mom always said that she knew I liked a guy if I hadn’t farted in front of him yet. Well, you know what? I’m a gassy lady and sometimes I can’t help it. I used to work at a restaurant where they called me “Bubbles”. It started because I was always so bubbly and positive but it stuck after a shift where I was barreled over in pain every time I came back in the kitchen because I had to fart so bad. I now burp a lot too. What can I say? I’m one classy lassie.
  7. I’m a terrible flyer. For some reason I have developed an intense fear of being in the air. It’s better with medication and if I have a window seat, but I’m a terrible companion. I will constantly think that we are going to die if we hit turbulence. Fun Fact: My parents own a plane and my stepmom is a pilot. She finally got me up in the air and I even flew the plane for about 57 seconds with her by my side.
  8. I love tequila. And tacos. Equally. I am quite wild when I’m tequila’d up and make some interesting choices. Like proposing to one of my besties in a busy restaurant so we could get a good table or climbing trees and acting like a vampire.
  9.  Sweet potatoes are my favorite food group. I could, and often do, eat them in some form for every meal. An active lifestyle is also super important to me. Yes, I do CrossFit but I also hike, camp, and basically love the outdoors.
  10. I am always playful.  Life is too short for negativity and I also look for the bright side of things. Laughing is my favorite form of exercise. I even won two “Playful” awards when I worked for Snooze.


working on me

working on me.png

I have legit gone to the dark place. You know the one. Where your heart is broken, you’ve lost most of your sense of worth, and you have no idea what your purpose is anymore. Or maybe you never did?

I’m have what Sia calls an elastic heart. The end of last year I fell wickedly hard in love and FAST. It was a whirlwind relationship that caught me by surprise and I was ready for it. I finally felt like I could be myself, farts and all, and I felt whole. I felt like I was enough. Until I wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t make him happy and he felt like I wasn’t trying, so it all just kind of fell apart and just like that, it was over. A bunch of little things added up to big things. Cruel words were said that can’t be taken back. We both disappointed each other and now I’m just left with the pieces of my elastic heart that don’t seem quite so elastic anymore.

Fast forward to this past Monday morning where I couldn’t get him out of my head. All I wanted was to hear from him. To hear something. I was a head case all morning at the gym and during my workout I lost focus as he popped into my head. The WOD included box jumps, which are already a fear of mine having skinned my shin on them twice before, and in the last 5 seconds of the workout I let my mind wander to him. BAM. I missed the box and came down on my shin. If you follow me on Instagram then you already know what happened and I apologize for the gore in my story. For those of you who don’t, I busted my shin open down to the bone and had to go to the ER for stitches.

Thank you universe. I hear you. But you didn’t have to throw a big fat FUCK YOU my way for thinking about him.

So yeah. That happened. Now I have some really ugly stitches and a huge hole in my leg and heart. I’m not good at this. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Feeling like I’m enough. It’s quite silly really because if you look at my life from the outside I’m quite lucky. I have parents who love and support me, I have pretty cool friends all over the US and parts of Canada. My job is rad. I’m super active. But inside, there is this emptiness inside of me that consumes me often. I go to therapy and I’ve somewhat tried prescription meds but there it is. My love for this guy was very real and having him not in my life anymore shoved in my face that I base WAY too much of my self-worth in having others in my life.  More specifically men and my desire to have a partner in this crazy world.

So now I’m on this journey of self-love and discovery. It’s pretty dark, ugly, and ridiculously lonely. I mean, I don’t even want to hear myself talk about depression or anxiety so I’m sure it’s hard for friends and family to listen. That’s why social media is a highlight reel, ya feel me? But you know what, it’s important to talk about these things and know that you aren’t alone. And yes there are worse things happening to people but it’s all relative and this is my reality right now and it hurts.

So here’s to heartbreak and loneliness and learning to love yourself. After 35 years of disappointment in myself and others, countless life lesson talks from my parents and friends, I’m diving into a relationship with myself and batting these demons. I’m worth it, I’m awesome, and it’s about time I started acting like it.

I’m depressed and terrified and I’m going to fail millions of times, but I’m brave enough to keep trying.