Due to a Facebook tag of some mutual friends, I saw an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend on a trip together. This was a relationship that ended badly. Like, SO bad. I’m pretty sure (I know actually) that he hates me and pretty much wishes he had never met me. We were together off and on for almost three years. I hurt him and I burned some serious bridges with people while we were together. Friends were lost. People were hurt. Choices were made. But you know what? At one point, I loved him. We were friends. It was fun and beautiful. Our time was a time full of so many moments.
The ugly and the beautiful.
I had a lot of dreams when we were together. Dreams I never pursued. Dreams I never believed I could do. Dreams that terrified me. I was stuck.
I’m not proud of a lot of the choices I made during those three years. “When you love someone, you don’t hurt them or make them feel awful.” I remember him telling me that once. Now, I know your mind is racing with ideas of what happened, so let me say that I never cheated on him. But I never let him fully love me, and that can be the same thing if not worse. Truth be told, I never loved myself enough to be strong. I wish I would have loved myself sooner because then I could have let him go. I held on so tightly to what we once had that I suffocated the life out of our relationship. It needed to end. But it was hard. It was messy. It was ugly and beautiful due to its necessity.
Okay, you’re probably like, what the fuck is the point of this story?! Why are you bringing up a relationship that was SO terrible and ended almost two years ago and what does this have to do with anything!?
So, I have wanted to be in the fitness industry for so many years. I remember my friend Chris Daly telling me once (okay, a THOUSAND times) that I was an AMAZON WARRIOR PRINCESS and I just needed to realize it for myself. He is who really planted the seed of endless possibilities and strength inside this strong body of mine. But I never believed that I was capable. I was afraid.
Fitness is hard. Your body is quick to point out your weaknesses and you have to push yourself past the place of fear, and truly believe that you are capable. It’s a mental game. I’ve had gym memberships, trained and prepped for fitness competitions, placed in fitness competitions, participated in Zumba and bootcamps. I’ve had personal trainers and done YouTube workouts. Oh, and yoga (my nemisis)…and most recenly I found Crossfit. I LOVE FITNESS. I love what it teaches me every single day. It has made me strong and it’s a part of me that I lost in that relationship. I stopped loving and choosing myself first.
I am choosing to be unstoppable.
During every workout, I am challenged every day to face my fears. Look my demons in the face and say NO! My imperfections and weaknesses remind me of what I used to be. But you know what? I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not afraid. I’m strong. It’s taken me 7 years to get to this place and it is a never ending battle that I refuse to lose.
I AM CAPABLE.
I have accepted an internship at Crossfit Train. I start in two weeks.