.Defeat.

It happened.

The feeling.

DEFEAT.

Last night I stayed after work for a Happy Hour meet and greet event.  I had come off of a long 24 hours of traveling and dealing with the loss of someone dear.  I had three glasses of wine and was feeling great.  I mean, wine always makes me feel great.  Until the next morning when my head is pounding.

I got home around 8:30 pm and realized I was starving.  So I did what any normal person who is kinda drunk and dealing with food and body image issues would do.  I ate the rest of the ice cream in the fridge and ordered a pizza.  Okay, okay…I also ordered the parmesan bread bites.

As I sat on my couch, dipping my slices into the garlic butter included in my order, I started to think and be aware of how my body was feeling.   Sure, that pizza was AMAZING.  But I began to feel the grease on my face and fingers, the folds of my stomach over my comfy pants.  I began to realize how sad and weak and alone I felt in that moment but that each bite was filling me with a temporary sense of purpose and comfort.  But then the slice was gone and I was on to the next.

It wasn’t until I spilled the container of garlic butter on one of my throw pillows that I realized I was lost.  I was sad.  I was unhappy.  I had lost my purpose and was no longer celebrating my moments.  I had not had any victories.  I had not set and crushed any goals.  I also realized that my stomach hurt and I had a huge piece of pineapple stuck in my teeth.  It’s cool.  I was eating alone.

I woke up late this morning and I looked at my phone to realize I had 10 minutes to get up and get my ass to my workout.  I made a mini goal to make it because I had made a mini goal to get 4 workouts in this week.  I was 10 minutes late and had to do 40 burpees, but I made it.

I also reached out to a few friends to find support with my recent bout of depression after being assaulted.  But that’s a whole other post.

#goalsbeingcrushed

I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed 153 pounds.

It’s just a number.

It’s.  Just.  A.  Number.

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